I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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