WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
