I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
