I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
