I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
