note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
