i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
