so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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