brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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