i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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