It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
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I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
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We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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