Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
