Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
