i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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