I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
