A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
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You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
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I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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