i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
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