That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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