hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Randomize
