i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
