never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
