matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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