Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
