he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
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Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
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My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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