Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
