I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
