Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
