Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
