sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
