Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
