OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
