ya dads aren't the best wingmen
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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