I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
