his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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