I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
