are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
