im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
