Apparently you make a good broom.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
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I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
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Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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