how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
