Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
