I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
