I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
