I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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