then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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