Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
