K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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