I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
