Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
