how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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