Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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