There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
