How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
