my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
