I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Randomize
