I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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