I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
God gave him joint rollers for hands
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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