i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
