I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
