I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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