Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
