if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the condom got lost in my hair
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
