Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
