I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
